Promises To Myself As A 30 year Old
A few months ago I turned 30 and I've been thinking back on my life thus far, the happy times, as well as the tough times. I've thought about my biggest shortcomings, my strengths, the things I do well at, and what I struggle with the most and I have made a list of the promises I make to myself going into my 30s and moving on for the rest of my life.
I will love myself
I have always been told my entire life that I have potential and that I will do great things, I've always believed this until experiencing my twenties. These have been some of the hardest times in my life; I have failed, faced more rejection than I ever imagined, and have suffered greatly from health issues. I began to loathe myself and I begged God for death, nothing felt like it was moving or changing and I was miserable and furious. Life sucked, I struggled to find a job, I struggled to do anything right, but I lived.
After years of misery I told myself and God that I would get out of this or die trying and God heard my prayers and answered them. I moved out of my mother's house, I taught myself how to drive, I taught myself how to use tools and got a real job, I found out that I am worthy just like everybody else and I will never forget this experience.
I will take care of myself
There was a time where I would drown my depression by eating terrible food and drinking soda after soda after soda. I just wanted to feel better or at least die doing something that made me feel happy. I felt lonely, rejected, and unloved. I believed that God loved me but I felt so deeply let down by some of the things that had happened to me, like “why would God allow this to happen to me!”
I had lost so many people who had meant so much to me and it felt like the suffering had no end. My grandfather, my little cousin, my uncle Bubba, Everybody who truly understood me was dead. I didn't want to be alone and God answered my prayers by sending me my beautiful fiance. She shows me everyday that my life is worth living and the thought of someday having children brings me the hope to improve my health.
I will continue to trust in God
During all of these times I was praying. I would go to sleep praying, I would wake up praying, I would pray walking down the street, I was absurdly angry at God. I remember telling him a few times “God I wish I was an atheist so I could give up but I can't believe in you!” God took his sweet sweet time, but in all of these things he sent an answer to me.
I will stop worrying all the time
I have spent so much of my 20s stressing, arguing, worrying and I'm honestly tired of it. I'm done doing it.
I will keep a pet
Dogs have been one of the few creatures throughout my life that have shown me unwavering love and loyalty, people disappoint me often, dogs rarely do.
I will continue to learn and improve
I cannot stand stagnation, I hate it and wont have it.
I will keep a daily routine
This is one thing I am still struggling with, but life is so much better when you have consistency and some form of predictability. It gives you control over an uncontrollable life and I need that.
Im sure there are more things, and if I think of more I will write those too. My life has not been easy, but I've learned that things always get better with time. Time feels like the enemy to many, like its trying to hurt you when im reality time is a remedy, a balm for much of what ails you in this sad world.
If you're not okay right now dont do anything crazy, give yourself time.